The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
New Tinder profile.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Body by Oreos
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.