stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
You Might Also Like
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Is your wife single?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”