Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.