My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Beware of fowl play.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Blew my mind.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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