It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
no refunds
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I didn’t come here to be called names
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture