Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.