My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?