Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
accurate
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.