I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches