Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger