i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
huge if true: the moon
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Good morning
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.