Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
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The internet is magic sometimes.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.