Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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(True)
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
No chill.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste