[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Never be a pizza!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.