(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.