I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
yall want some gasoline milk
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*