Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile