How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”