Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Friday
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm