H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Tier 3 meme
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you