HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.