How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.