1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
#ProTip
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?