Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.