Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores