I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much