And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.