when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*sewing*
A thread
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.