“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That鈥檚 why it鈥檚 better to shoot them.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it鈥檚 a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I have a condition where if I don鈥檛 walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I鈥檓 like the bus in Speed
no one likes gloating
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
why isn’t thunder called soundning
teacher: your son doesn鈥檛 think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you鈥檒l never misplace them
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I鈥檓 never taking these pills.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
God: let鈥檚 make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that鈥檚 pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they鈥檙e leaky as hell
A: there it is
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Hard not to take this personally
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they鈥檙e wrong. It was Johnson.