*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti