Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
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The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.