Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud