Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you