Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.