I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.