I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
A dad and his duck
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?