How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
You Might Also Like
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If only
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.