called in thicc to work this morning
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.