*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant