best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea