Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
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Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
put ‘er there pardner!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived