– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.