I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no