“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I have many caverns
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.