starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate