I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Hey I worked for it too!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Did my cat write this
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.