[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
You Might Also Like
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps