Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs