[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
text from my dad when lebron broke the record