It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
this post was so formative to me
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?